Review #54 - Cured

Posted by Burger Boy | | Posted On Friday, March 4, 2016 at 12:45 PM

This review is an atypical one for us, and me in particular.  Our typical burger joint is focused on burgers, unpretentious and inexpensive.  Be warned: Cured is none of those things.  However, we heard persistent rumors of a delicious hamburger available only during the lunch hour.  An investigation was required, but we had to raise sufficient funding by looking under every couch cushion for loose change. Funding was secured, we ventured into the beating heart of San Antonio's fancy-pants hipster scene - The Pearl.

Burger Rating - 9.5

Take the high rating with a grain of salt, because we only had three reviewers present (well, technically 4, but "Where's the Beef" had to forgo the burger to save his immortal soul).  However, we all strongly agreed that this was in fact a delicious, if expensive, burger.  I personally gave this one a 9.5.  As the waiter never tired of telling us, this burger is a blend of beef and bacon.  That's right folks, something like 20% of each beef patty is not made of beef; it is made of bacon.  And the combination of the two meatfoods was perfection.  I eat bacon for breakfast every day, but I've always found that on a burger bacon can be difficult to eat.  If you don't cleanly bite through the bacon when you're eating the burger, the whole strip of bacon will pull out of your burger.  Sadly, that leaves future bites of burger bereft of bacon.  Grinding the bacon into the beef eliminates this problem.  Each bite is filled with bacon-flavored goodness.

I usually like cheddar on my burger, but this burger featured Beer Cheese which was insanely delicious.

Make sure to order at least the double patty version of this burger; the server was keen to explain that this is a "bistro-sized burger", which I gather means "small and expensive."  They offer a triple-patty burger, but my couch didn't cough up enough change to purchase it.  

In conclusion, I have found one of my favorite burgers in San Antonio.

And now, words of wisdom from my fellow reviewers.

Fry Daddy - I know what you’re all thinking.  Why are these guys taking a break from reviewing hole-in-the wall local burger joints to blather on about some frou-frou restaurant in the Pearl?  Criticize if you will, but keep in mind the following:  1)  Cured is serious about their meat in a way that even the most die-hard burger lover can appreciate.  2)  The Cured burger does not contain foie gras, caviar or any of the other exotic ingredients you might expect from a so-called “fancy” restaurant.  3) What the burger does contain is a patty that is a perfect 80/20 blend of ground beef and bacon (which adds an extra layer of flavor as well as a nice salty kick); an addictively gooey and delicious house-made cheese (seriously, it’s awesome); an onion jam that contributes just the right amount of sweetness; and a tasty soft bun that pulls it all together without stealing the show from the other ingredients.  Aside from this, no veggies or other frills.  4) The team at Cured executes this all perfectly with a burger that is cooked medium and is – honestly – one of the best burgers I’ve ever had.

Fry Daddy later noted that he "was tempted to give it a 10 but could not bring myself to admit that our quest for the perfect burger was at an end."

Hamburglar - I’ve seen a lot of things in my life, and experienced enough burgers that I will likely need a double bypass, but until today, I had never had “The Burger.”  How can I describe the indescribable?  I shall do my best, but it is something that truly must be experienced to understand.  Let’s start with the fresh ground patty: 80% Beef + 20% Bacon = 100% Burger Nirvana.  Topped off with melted Beer Cheese, a gooey concoction made from smoked gouda, American cheddar and Pabst Blue Ribbon.  Add a sweet onion jam and two perfect buns, and enjoy complete happiness and peace where the worries of this world no longer matter.  A little too spiritual for you?  Then I recommend you try it and join the believers.

Where's the Beef - Being the good Catholic boy I was raised to be, I had to forgo the Cured Burger due to the lunch taking place on a Friday during Lent.  Instead, I had to settle for second hand smells and some BBQ Shrimp dish.  While mine was tasty, the shrimp came with the heads still on them, making me wonder “wow, the first human to eat a shrimp must have been a brave soul.”  What I saw on everyone else’s plates smelled and looked delicious.  The damn burger had PBR beer cheese- it doesn’t get any more hipster than that.  But then I remembered my college days when I’d drink PBR by the case and it only cost $0.48 per can, and I became even more jealous of my fellow burger connoisseurs.  I was able to sample the fries, and they were top notch.

Editor's note:  "Where's the Beef" didn't think his name was so funny on this particular Friday.


We didn't give a numerical score to the fries, but they were definitely better than average.  To quote Fry Daddy "The fries bear honorable mention and were fried to crisp perfection."  In my opinion, they could have been a bit crispier, but I like my fries extra-crispy.

Ambiance - 1

This is my personal opinion, so don't blame the other reviewers for this rating.  The ambiance is a 0 because Cured is not a burger joint--it is a fancy restaurant where everyone drinks with their pinkies pointing up in the air (think courtsey-to-the-queen style).  I love the burger, but the ambiance is too upscale and the decor too fancy for my taste.  On the plus side, they did have delicious-looking meatfood hanging in a glass-walled cube right in the middle of the restaurant.  So for that, I give it a 1; if they ever get rid of the hanging meat, they drop to 0 for ambiance.

A final comment on the ambiance will be presented in pictures of their "mechanically-turned miniature timbers."  Pretentious or a joke, who can tell these days?


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